Wednesday, 16 July 2014 10:47

Jos od jucer....

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...jos od jucer u meni nesto vrist...idi pisati! iako, nikako ne mogu uhvatiti miso. Zbunjen sam sam sobom, ne uspijevam uhvatiti misli koje jure, osjecaji koji se izmjenjuju...nije to nista novo..ali, znam...savladava me patetika a, to zelim izbjeci....

Pisem..iako neznam ni sta ni o cemu...neakav tok misli, mozda mi tako bude lakse. Mozda su i neki unutarnji strahovi koji izbijaju, neznam..imam se razloga bojati..ali, ne zelim..ne ..ne zelim se bojati....ne zelim pustiti strahove da me nadvladaju... Kada se sjetim svih dobrih ljudi koji me okruzuju...na zalost, hvata me samo prokleta patetika...zelio bi da se osjecam sretnim...da me na pomisao o blizini drugih ljudi ispunjava osjecaj srece...ponekad i da, ali..onda se opet pojavljuje strah...strah da cu nekoga, bilo koga razocarati...iznevjeriti, prokljeta zelja da svi oko mene budu sretni...ponekad i nije s time lako zivjeti...

Moram dogovoriti 'sastanak' sa doktoricom mi dragom...eto, kao magarac, vec treci dan sakupljam hrabrost nazvati...bojim se da cu smetati..a, ja pak ne zelim nikome na svijetu smetati...a, treba mi, o da, jako mi treba. Ne spavam, bojim se spavati...ako zaspem vracam se u proslost..a, to ne zelim, proslost je...bas to...sama rijec kaze, upravo proslost...zelim se odljepiti od toga, zaboraviti..ponovno..ponovno nakon dugog niza godina zelim sa smjeskom zaspati...i, zelim se sa smjeskom probuditi...sa smijeskom prolaziti kroz dan. Zelim ponovno da taj osmjeh bude zarazan, zelim razveseliti i nasmijati ljude u ova..prokljeto teska vremena...Ucim..ucim ponovno uspravno hodati...zelim to, ucim ponovno se smijati..i, uglavnom uspijevam..osim nocu, nocu se strahovi sa pocetka price bude....preplavljuju..a, ja se borim. Dugo se vec borim...jako jako dugo, zelim pobjediti, trebam pomoc...i, dobijam je.....zelim moci tu pomoc prepoznati i njoj se radovati....uspijevam...u zadnje vrijeme uspijevam... Ne mogu uhvatiti tok misli....treba mi cvrsta tocka..a, cvrstu tocku ima...o da, imam je, zelim je ponovno osjetiti svom dusom i tijelom, zelim u njoj uzivati kao nekada....zalim osvjestiti da su tu...a, jesu..znam da jesu. Zivot je okrutna prica, znao je govoriti moj najdrazi zrman dok bi diskutirali duboke stvari..i, imao je pravo...spoznao sam, najebao....najebao jer neznam zivjeti...da li? Najebao jer se neznam nositi sa nepravdom..ali, nje je zivot prepun...treba se nauciti...moze li se? nisam siguran..... I svaka me nepravda pomalo ubija....crpi i trosi, moram osvjestiti da ih je bilo..i, da ce ih uvijek biti...mogu li to osvjestiti? neznam, nisam siguran...nakon dugog niza godina vise u nista nisam siguran.....lazem, siguran sam..u nesto najljepse sto mi se desilo, siguran sam u Nju i njih dvije, koje...koje me nikada, ali nikada nisu osudile....siguran sam u sve drage ljude koji me okruzuju...uf, jesam li siguran ili samo to zelim biti? da, volio bi biti siguran...i jesam, zelim samo do osvjestiti i prepoznati...

Zakljucujem, znao sam, strahovi su i patetika..ni jedno ni drugo ne zelim kao dio sebe...zelim ponovno..kao nekada, osjecati ono iskonsko, cisto i jasno...sreca, ljubav...veselje, osjecam...ali, ponavljam, zelim to osvjestiti i, ponovno prigrliti kao svoje...jer, delbi..ti si sretan......

Gomila gluposti...neuhvaceni tok misli...jer, misli ne uspijem uhvatiti.....ali, imam jebenu mogucnost pisanja..pa je koristim..zasto to radim? zato sto mogu....i, nije me sram...nije me sram samom sebi reci da sam magarac..i, da je krajnje vrijeme da se trgnem...trgnuo sam se...dovoljno? neznam, mislim da jos uvijek nije dovoljno...strahovi? ne bojim Vas se...naucio sam se nositi...a, na kraju...hahahahahaha, na kraju ce se ja smijati.....nestati cete kao da nikada niste postojali...necu Vas se niti sjecati!

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